I've Gotta Keep Going

Part resignation, part motivation, part defeat, part defiance, but all my answer.

I have been struggling with an issue for sometime, for most of my marriage actually, and it's an emotional one. I haven't told anyone how deeply the emotion of this issue runs for me, not even my sisters who I tell EVERYTHING! Not even my Husband who knows EVERYTHING. And it's something that I've been wanting to fix for a long time, but I don't know how and well, I just don't know how! Anyway, my Husband has been an incredibly patient man with me about it, through all my tantrums, my whinging, my irrational rants and selfishness, he's stuck by me. And I can't figure out why, all it comes down to is... Love. He really, truly loves me. despite all my flaws, my moods, my anger, my scatterbrains, my shortcomings, he loves me. And boy do I love him. There is dead set no other man on this earth, now or ever, that could look after me and understand me like he does.
Anyway, tonight, we were talking and I felt impressed to work in my therapy book - I've been putting it off, and off because it is really confronting for me, it's really intimidating and scary, and I just don't have the energy to deal with that. But I felt really impressed tonight to look at it and work with it. So I did.
And OH THE TEARS! The crying, the sobbing, the anxiety, the rush of feelings and trying to understand. So many words and too much emotion! I couldn't put it all pen to paper. I got through a chapter and I had to put it down. I just started bawling my eyes out to God. I needed him to hear my session, I needed him to know that I was trying and I needed his help. I can't do teh pain anymore, I can't do the hurt, the dissapointment, the embarrassment, the anxiety, the maybes, the lies, the tip-toe-ing, the energy involved with it all, the hurt mainly, I just caouldn't do it anymore. I wanted so mnay things, I wanted to be normal, I wanted to forget things, I wanted C to forget things, I wanted it all to just go away. I can't do it anymore - it's too much! I needed Heavenly Father's help because I can't go it alone.
I cried some more... a lot more... and I started to look around my room whilst crying to Him. I saw a cross-stitch my Mum sewed for my birthday one year. It had my name and the meaning of my name on it, one line read "Obstacles are a way of life for her". When I was younger I was like "Yeah, I'm a gun cause I overcome allt hese obstacles." Tonight I couldn't help but laugh, yes, Obstacles... stupid in the way obstacles. And then I saw on my desk my Seminary sriptures. I picked them up and got back into bed. I asked God to help me one more time liek he did when I was 14. I asked him to help me with an answer, I needed an answer. I cried to Him again about my pain and my loss. I cried about C and I cried about how badly I need Him, Heavenly Father in our lives.
I sat there sobbing again... I opened them. The first word I saw was "Strengthen"... I took that as I need to man up, I replied to Him, that is why I'm calling for you, asking you to help me have strength.
The next word I saw was "Struggle" - Who would have thought that those two words are the search words on top of the page in the Topical Guide opposite each other? 100% sure that was pre-planned for me! I had to laugh at it, not mockingly, but because it was so relevant and true. I was crying for an easyway out, but things don't work like that.
My eyes roamed over the pages and there was light shining on one word "Strengthen" - this time on the page where the relevant scriptures were, not just the search word. Then I noticed light was shining on a scripture, 1st Peter 5:10, It reads; "But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you."
Did you know that there is over 1000 chapters in teh Bible, let alone verses, and that exact one is the one I found??? Oh how it spoke to me.
It didn't give me a massive lightbulb moment, but as I sat there and read it over it clarified my mind. It calmed me down from my hysterical crying, it made complete and perfect sense.
"After that ye have suffered a while" - I can't honestly expect to be inactive for so long and walk back in and everything be honky dory. I need to earn my peace, my salvation and just because my while is longer than I'd liek doesn't mean that the Lord's while ahs been fulfilled. I ahven't paid my dues in a manner of speaking, but when I have...
"Make you perfect...strengthen, settle you" - Perfect, is that not what we want. I wanted my memory to be perfect, to be clear of the pain, and he's told me it will be, I just need to endure a littel while longer and on top of that, he'll build up my strength. And he'll settle me. I read that in two ways, one was "calm down" which was instant and the second was that once all is said and done, I'll have my peace and my calm. I'll have no need to worry or fear, I just need to hold out a little while longer.
I bookmarked the pages and I closed the book. "I've gotta keep going." Clear as day, calm as the night... "I've gotta keep going" second time it was and felt stronger.

I've testified of my belief in prayer before and I'll testify to you again now, Prayer is real! It is a real connection between you and God. It is powerful. It is inspired and it works. Our answers may not be waht we wnat but they are what we need. I know this to be true, I have felt it again tonight. And I bear witness to you that the scriptures speak to us today just as fervently as they did when they were written, that God hears us in our sorrows and our joy and that without Him in my life I am nothing. He holds my hand and when I'm struggling, He picks me up and carries me further than I could ever hope for. I really do love Him, I love the entire Godhead, they have never let me downa nd they never will. I am grateful that I have found them again in my life and I say these things, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Note: Chris is still in Sydney and not at home, wow this would have been a whole different story if he had been home.
I also know that this is a very raw post and very revealling I just want people to know that they are not alone in how they feel.